Friends and Family,
Several
months ago, I had a spiritual epiphany and
realized that I needed to change some things in my life. I shared this
with many of you. At the time, I was not sure what that would look
like, but over these past four months, certain opportunities have
presented themselves. Last September I moved into a sober living
environment. I chose to move here for several reasons; first, I did
not want to be alone and I needed to feel safe. Second, I wanted the
experience of living with other sober women. (I have seven of the most
amazing female friends and housemates a girl could ask for.) And third,
I had some soul searching to do and I needed the time and space to do
it. In other words, I decided to push the "pause" button on the highway
of life, pull over, and "rest."
The
past four months have been both exhilarating and exhausting, exalting
and tumultuous. I have had moments of both intense pleasure and fierce
grief; it's been a roller coaster of emotions. It has been a time of
earnest self examination and reflection. I have leaned hard on all
those around me, often unable to stand on my own two feet without the
support and love of those around me to hold me up. I have had to ask
for help, a lot. I have learned to pray. I have shed an innumerable
amount of tears since I began the journey of self acceptance that I have
avoided my entire life. I want to thank everyone who is in my life and
is part of my
journey. You are all very special to me. Each one of you has loved me,
inspired me, and given me hope. Each of you are a gift to me, and even
if this email never makes it to you, I am putting these words down and
sharing with Universe how important you are to me.
Every
now and then, someone or something comes along and changes the
trajectory of our lives; our journey of life makes a sharp, unforeseen
turn. These are the spiritual growth opportunities that come to us,
though they are often disguised in undesirable packaging and can happen
in a flash; an emotional, physical, or spiritual bottom proceeded by a
moment of clarity, a medical diagnosis, the loss of a loved one. And
sometimes they are brought to us by angels living among us; a kind word,
a gesture of loving kindness, a connection of spiritual understanding
with another being. However they are presented, there is no doubt that
these things happen for a reason- there are no coincidences. But am I
awake enough to experience them as they are happening? Am I present
enough in my own life to recognize, accept, and embrace these gifts as
they are occurring in real time? Sometimes, maybe, not always.
Throughout my life I have heard this cliché: "It's the journey, not the
destination." How easy it is for me to let this go in one ear and out
the other without embracing this profound truth. It's so easy to get
wrapped up in thinking about the "fruits" of my labor that I fail to
fully appreciate the "labor" itself for what it is and that today is the
fruit of many yesterdays. It's like I've been conditioned to live for
the marketed highs of holidays, celebrations, and the like and that the
moments in between are just mundane moments of existence that I must
trudge through to get to those rare occasions of happy destiny.
Thankfully, my life is full of people who remind me on a daily basis
that today is all I have. This 24 hours is the only 24 hours that
matter.
On
24 April, the day of my 9 year anniversary in sobriety, Great Spirit
willing, I will fly to Europe to embark on a spiritual pilgrimage; a 5
week, 500 mile solo backpacking trip known as the
Camino de Santiago. My reasons for going are primarily spiritual in
nature and it is something I must do for and by myself (though I will
not be alone, and each of you will be with me in spirit.) Each day
between now and then is one of mental, physical, and spiritual
preparation that is helping me stay fully present in today. This phase
is the most critical of my journey; I consider it training for how I
will go forth with the rest of my life, making each day count. Rest
assured, I have asked for expert assistance in getting ready... as we
all know, there is no such thing as bad weather, just bad gear and
preparation, in this case, is everything.
Namaste, Dani
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